Am I the only one who is terrified for things to end sometimes? I’m not talking about those things that you should be scared of ending like healthy relationships or dessert, but like kind of all things even the crumby ones. When closing the book on something I get super nervous and anxious and even scared at times. I can be a pessimist I guess but I wonder, will what comes next be too hard or too ugly or too much for me? Does anyone else feel that way? Maybe it’s more a fear of beginning than ending but either way, new chapters scare me and what I’ve grown to know seems like a more comfortable place.
Things this week that fall into this group of unknown include first, I got a new camera. This isn’t just a new camera, it functions a bit different than my old camera bodies and so there is a learning curve with it. It was not cheap nor in my budget but my husband bought it for me anyway. I had basically put aside most client work last year and focused more on wildlife and landscapes, which as you can imagine don’t pay much to have their pictures taken. So I have no real way of justifying this new camera or the price tag that came with it.
I was so excited though and the portrait photography bug kind of hit me so I figured I would go practice with my girls. I had seen this silly challenge called the #targetdresschallenge floating around and of course I thought that it was hilarious so I ran to target and bought some amazingly weird dresses and then waited for the weather to play nice. I figured that since it was my kids and my time it wouldn’t matter much if I struggled using the new Canon r6 a bit, I could learn as I shoot. The camera reviews claim that you will end up with so many more super sharp images and I couldn’t wait. Guess what, while I ended up with a few shots I really liked of my kiddos, I ended up with even more out of focus shots than my old camera sessions had. Disappointment hit hard.
I was determined that I just needed to figure it out, I was doing something wrong. We tried again only this time I used the same Target dresses with a current vibe instead of a “pandemic” vibe. Again, I ended up with some images I love but so many that missed the mark. At this point I wanted to cry. As I edited my images and finally selected the ones I could keep, I noticed that my older daughter is definitely not my little girl anymore.
The end of the younger part of her childhood is here and I need to step into that , she is a teenager and a beautiful one at that. She looked so mature in some of the images I took that again, I wanted to cry but in a mixed feelings kind of a way. She is such an amazing young lady. She is kind and sweet and stands up for what she believes in, including her friends and those who don’t have many friends. On the flip side she might be a little too sweet for this world and I fear it will try to break her. Have I taught her how to be strong enough to get back up? Have I done what I can to teach her about being in the world and not of the world? Ughh parenting is hard!
Finally this week we end another season of high school basketball. It has been a very tough season. We have had more losses than wins, on and off the court from my vantage point. Some years they like to call them “growing years” but i didn’t see much growing happen in the program and it’s been hard to watch. However, what comes next? Last year with all the covid shut downs. we got a summer away from basketball. this year I bet we spend most of it back in the gym. What then, will the make the team next year? If so, will it be as painful as this year? Is it worth it? Could our time and money be spent on something better or is this a good place for them to learn and grow in a new season? Again, parenting is really tough.
So, as I try to navigate, a new camera, a new career path, raising strong and yet soft young ladies, and resilient gentleman sons, I aim to find the joy that is hiding behind my fears and embrace what the Lord has instore for me on this journey called life.
