Sometimes coming up with something to write is tough. All the normal self doubt questions that everyone faces each time they put themselves out there pop up: “Will it be something anyone else cares about?”, “Will I offend someone?”, “Will people make judgments about me because of what I say or don’t say?”, “Will I remember to proof read this time and fix errors or will people think I have a 3rd grade education?”. You know, the stuff that keeps us from doing things sometimes. The problem with all these doubts are that most of them to some extent are valid and even truthful fears and realities. Most people probably wont care about this blog or even ever see it. There is an extra good chance someone wont like what I say and become offended ( it’s the way most of the world works these days). Even if I proof this post, I will miss things, I will type poorly, and my grammar will have mistakes and I will most likely spell a few things wrong. The truth that I fail to recognize a lot of times is that, someone will care. I will encourage or inspire someone. Most people don’t read to find error and will over look or not even notice my mistakes in writing this.
I’ve noticed that the self doubt voices get louder as I get older and the confident reassuring ones are much harder to hear. I remember being a teen and truthfully not caring what others thought in regards to who I was. I was going to do me no matter if it was popular or not. Then as I grew into a young mother, I became more confident with who I was. I liked me. I was strong and determined. I could face whatever challenge I was dealt with grace and power. Fast forward to now, midlife, mostly kids are teens and or young adults themselves, and man life got flipped upside down for me. I grew up believing as you age your become more comfortable in your skin. I am certain that for a lot of people that is true but that isn’t my journey.
Each season has taught me things about me but this current season has really brought me to a place where I am aware of others and the idea that their seasons may be different than mine. They may be going through a harsh winter or a warm summer. Someone might be leisurely walking through a field of wild flowers with all the colors and smells of spring or they could be stressing about not having the money for the turkey they are expected to have on the table soon. The point is that we are all in a different place and going through so many different things and it’s not as cut and dry as I used to think.
I sometimes hate where I am at in my adventure of life. I mean I think we all do at points. For me it’s like hiking Kannaraville Falls in Southern Utah. This hike is beautiful and by most peoples definition not a tough hike. For me, it’s not easy but it’s not impossible. There are a few places with an incline and a decline but the most challenging part for me is the ice cold water. At first it’s cold. Next, it’s painfully cold. Finally, if you are lucky, your feet go numb and it’s ok. As an adult, I know what I am going into when I go and I can just “suck it up” so to speak. As a mother, watching my kids hike it, I was in a lot of pain for them. I had one child who was in tears it hurt so badly. My heart broke, I thought about turning around, I even got angry one time. I had warned them. They had known that this was going to be an issue. It didn’t change the feelings they had though and I felt/feel embarrassed that I was ever angry at my child for feeling something. We continued on and she started to feel better or complain less. We made it to the falls and then continued on some.
We went through some stuff on that hike. We had sad moments, we had fun moments, and we saw a beautiful fall. My kids would go back in a heartbeat. That’s how the seasons of life are for me. Some of them have been amazing, and fearless. Others have been hard, cold, and painful. They all have their lessons and their rewards though. I wouldn’t have seen many of the things I have, been able to connect with people the way I have, or grown in the ways I have without walking through the good and the tough parts of these seasons.
Try to embrace each season, take it all in. Learn, grow, help someone along the way. Winter, spring, summer, fall, I really do love them all.