This blog is getting more and more personal and frankly, I’m not sorry about it. I have become comfortable in the idea that this blog is more for me than for anyone else and that I will never have hundreds of followers or readers. I used to measure my worth as a photographer by how many people would comment or like my images, by how many prints I could sell or sessions I could book. To be completely honest, it left me feeling like I was a horrible photographer. Luckily I had a support group who kept telling me not to quit and not to give up. They would remind me of how good they thought I was. With all the encouragement I assumed I needed to keep pushing though and trying to get this business to take off. Recently, I learned that not giving up and changing directions can be the same thing. I shifted my focus and now I can enjoy what I love to do. I can photograph when and where I want to because it speaks to my heart. With that, I can posts what I feel in my soul and not worry too much about losing potential clients.
This new vision hasn’t come without lots of doubt or hesitation. Being and artist is hard. It leaves you very open and raw. The door is wide open for critiques. This post today is about being real and open and honest and really has nothing to do with my art but it’s about me and maybe, just maybe, it can help someone else which is always my goal. I just want the world to be a better place tomorrow and the next and the day after.
At the beginning of our July travels as my family drove toward Lehi Utah something happened. I started to get a huge headache, nothing abnormal as I suffer with headaches on a very very regular basis. Shortly after I took some medicine to help with the pain, my 8 year old daughter woke in tears from a nap. We got her back to sleep only to have my 13 year old daughter ask for something to help her headache. This is uncommon for her but again we were travelling and I didn’t think much of it. Next my 13 year old son started crying heavily ( yes I’m sure he is thrilled to have that info our into the world). At this point I knew everyone was just feeling a bit car sick and it was taking its toll. Luckily we were about to a stop to run into a store and we could get out of the car for a bit.
We pulled into the parking lot and out piled kids. My older daughter started to make her way to the store, I was trying talk with my younger daughter who was in tears again. I looked up to see where my older daughter had made it to, and noticed she was on the ground crying. My husband got my youngest daughter and my youngest son out and safely seated on the ground in the shade because they felt dizzy. He quickly then went and got my older daughter off the ground where she had passed out and got her to her feet. She struggled to walk to the car but made it with his help. She was having a hard time and felt very dizzy. My other daughter felt like she was going to throw-up. I was feeling a little of both but I was not worried. Next I remember turning to talk to my older daughter and then I remember my ankle was burning from resting on the hot asphalt and then I could faintly hear my husband trying to talk to me. I don’t remember a lot but I was finally able to come to enough to get up and into the car where I could sit down. It was very hard for me to stay awake, I felt so tired.
It was obvious something was off more than just car sickness at this point but what? We wondered if it was food poisoning or what. My husband and older son where not ill luckily. It was confusing especially in my current state of mind to make any sense of it. We aired out for awhile, took some car sickness meds, threw out any food we had been snacking on, and went and got some dinner. Still not sure what had happened but being strangely calm about it, we continued on. I had the feeling we needed to continue on with the windows down and fresh air filtering through the car. I know this was instruction directly given from the lips of a Heavenly Father who loves me and my family. We made it to our resting spot for the night and all slept well.
The following day as I thought about it more clearly, I remembered the last trip our family took to Az in April. We had had a similar experience with everyone having headaches and feeling nauseous. My youngest was throwing up and my two older daughters and youngest son were in serious tears with throbbing headaches. It dawned on me that the two trips could have related issues. We ended up getting a carbon monoxide alarm the next day and sure enough, when we pull our trailer with our van, somehow the carbon levels go a bit crazy.
I debated on blogging about this for a few reasons. First, I do feel parental guilt. I’m supposed to keep these kiddos safe and yet my love of travel seemed to be getting close to killing them. I took it on my already full plate as something I had done and was my fault. Second, I know the Lord blessed and watched over us during that trip as well as many others before that one. I know that I was calm because the Holy Ghost was comforting me. I know that we were able to continue one our trip because of the inspiration to travel with the windows down and also to check for carbon levels. These feelings aren’t super popular and sometimes they are scary to share for me. I don’t want to start a debate or come off as some spiritual giant when that just isn’t the case even if I wish it was. Third, this story is mine. It hopefully will never happen to anyone else I know so whats the point? This is how I approach a lot of things I want to say or not to say. Is there any good that will come from saying this? Then it becomes a bit more self centered, “ will people feel sorry for me? Will they think I’m trying to get victim sympathy? “ Usually those thoughts keep me from saying things or telling people of experiences I’ve had.
The flip side of those arguments are: First, This wasn’t my fault. It happened. I am a good mother who is trying to have my kids experience all the beauty and joy of the world as well as see life outside of just Utah. Second, the only one I need to worry about offending is my Heavenly Father. I believe in giving credit where credit is due with other people so why question doing it with God? I need to be better about acknowledging His hand in things. Third, this could have been anyone. I hope it isn’t, but if you notice your family trips being full of headaches ( not the kind from kids looking at each other or breathing in the same direction of someone else), take a closer look. The alarm I bought was a battery operated one that cost like 25 bucks maybe. I don’t need pity or sympathy but if this message helps even one person and I have to to endure some pity to save someone, I’ll take one for the team this time.
Sometimes saying something, even if you aren’t quite sure how to say it right, is better than saying nothing at all. This image is of the carbon alarm during one of its highest numbers, at the time of this alarm non of us felt sick. We have no idea how high the carbon monoxide number was when we got sick or how long we had been breathing in it but I’d guess the number was pretty high and for quite a bit of time. Listen to your bodies. Be safe, be kind.