Have I Done Any Good In the World Today?

It is hard for me to write almost every time that I do. I struggle to know what to say or better yet, how to say what is on my mind and heart. I often feel like it will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, or flat out unheard at all. I, like many others right now. feel like I’m screaming inside a sound proof glass box and no one can hear me. Maybe it’s because we disagree, maybe it’s because we have been “blocked”, maybe it is just the distance between people and the lack of face to face social interaction but I think so many of us feel like we aren’t being heard. You are not alone. I am not alone. Neither of these facts change the fact that we feel that way. That brings me to the post for today. I have felt so silenced, unheard, and alone lately. This post ( even though it will only be seen by a handful of people) is scary for me to put out there. It leaves me very nervous that I will be judged and that people will think differently about me because of how I say what I want to say. None the less, I feel the need to write it and try to get it out. I have felt like an immense failure for quite awhile now. I have been feeling like I do not have a purpose, no place. I feel like I have been sent here for a reason and, well, I’m not fulfilling that calling. I am empty. The last 7 months or so have been a constant roller coaster of feeling peace because my anxiety has taken a back seat and longing for some mission that I cant seem to complete.

Something hit me hard the other day. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know that this is the answer for anyone else. I don’t even know that this is the whole answer for me but, the thought has been burning a hole in me so I’m going to share. There is a gospel song that shares the title of this post. The first verse of the song goes like this: “Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not I have failed in deed. Has anyone’s burden been lighter today, because I was willing to share? Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way? When they needed my help was I there?”. These words have been digging at me constantly. Confession time, I haven’t been great at serving others during the pandemic. I have been quite comfy doing my own thing, staying with my family, playing with them, traveling with them, doing all family time stuff. It’s been AWESOME! I know, maybe I will get hit with a lightening bolt for this next part but home church has been fantastic, I have loved it and the thought of now returning to the church house had added some of that back seat anxiety back in my life. Kids being home from school was fabulous and I wish for those days back every day they are at school now. Heading to run essential errands only a couple of times a month verses sometimes multiple trips daily now, was a dream. Bottom line, I love being a hermit. I loved not being with my community. However, it did limit my ability to see the needs of others.

My children who attend school get asked how their day was when they come home. They also get asked about their favorite and least favorite parts of the day, other wise I often get a one world answer to the first question….”fine”, “good”, you know. But then, they get asked who they helped today. Their answers range from simple to sometimes complex. It is my favorite thing they tell me about. When we were virtually learning when school got shut down I missed that. I know, they can help each other at home and what not but it’s not the same. Don’t misread that and assume I think it’s not important to help family….it is. It’s vital. It can be harder to help family or easier. However, I want my family to be aware of the needs of those they are around, those that feel unseen and unheard. Those that aren’t always in their space and face ( also). It’s been a real joy to talk with my kiddos after school since we have been back and it was almost a wake up call for me when they would answer. “I helped Jill today, she was really sad and I told her how pretty she looked”. “I helped tutor someone in Science today”. “I helped put up and wipe down the desks”. The thought came in the back of my mind one day, who did you help?

Who had I been able to help? Yes my family, and yes hopefully I help someone other than myself with these ramblings. However, I realized through all of this social distancing, I wasn’t out seeing the elderly couple at the store that I could open the door for. I wasn’t in line behind the mom with a screaming kid who I was able to make silly faces at and change the screaming to smiling. It had been a really long time since I had smiled at someone who I felt needed to know that the whole world wasn’t against them, even if just for one moment. Man, I was a saint before the world closed down right? No, I could have done more, I should have done more. My service acts were small on a daily basis and there are those that I rubbed the wrong way that could argue that I did more harm than good, that might also be true. I realized for me though, I am more likely to act when I see a need. When I can witness an area that I could be of help. I do terrible at reaching out. I’m awful at getting a feeling and acting. I see, I try to do. I don’t want this to come off like I used to be just constantly in the service of my fellow being because I wasn’t not even close but it was easier for me to at least help a few each day in small ways when I was rubbing shoulders with people.

I’m quite sure there are those that will read this that will think that’s nonsense and a bad excuse. There have been plenty of chances to help others since there has been so much hurt and sadness happening. You would be right. I don’t have a great excuse but I still have been far less service oriented the past many months. This got me wondering if I was alone with this. I mean I see so much anger and selfishness. I see the ‘every man for himself’ attitude all over the tv and social media. So much hate. I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe we need a little more service in our life. I’m a huge believer in the quote from Mahatma Gandhi, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” I think that has been my emptiness. I have felt like I was walking aimlessly trying to find my way and all the while i wasn’t lost, just not serving others.

Everyone has their different gifts, talents, and strengths. We all serve differently. This has nothing to do with not feeling like we are doing enough or being enough. This isn’t a guilt lecture. I hope it comes off more as a map or a compass. If you have been feeling a little lost or alone. Maybe you have felt like you are wandering and going nowhere. If you are like me, maybe reaching out to others is the answer. Maybe it stays just in your family, maybe it extends, that’s all an individual decision. I do challenge everyone who reads this, to serve others this week in any way you see fit as much or as little as you find appropriate, see if you feel more centered and found. The world didn’t turn ugly and hateful overnight, it wont change back overnight either but we can find our personal way out of the darkness even for brief moments as we forget about ourselves, while we serve and love those we come in contact with. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself, “Who/How can I help today?”. I think as we do this, we will all find our calling! Happy serving everyone.