Ok for starters, this week marks the first week in 2021 that I was able to hit a National Park that I haven’t been to before!!!!! Yay, hopefully many more to come. Second, this week also came with some disappointments. So, lets jump right it.
Ok so this past weekend my Husbands Grandfather passed away and we held a service for him on Saturday. A few take a ways from this 1) My husbands family is awesome and large and loving and diverse. 2) Saying goodbye can be a good thing 3) Life is meant to be lived but more importantly, it is meant to be used for good.
Lets break this down so that you know what I am talking about. I knew my husbands family was big because we get together on some holidays and at a reunion every summer and so I wasn’t under any misimpression that there were only a handful of them but when you are told you can basically only have kids, grand kids, and great grands, ( p.s. thanks a lot covid) and you still fill a chapel, you know that you have a big family. I don’t think I have been around all of them ( minus a small number who weren’t able to attend) at the same time all under one roof and it blew me away. The thing that was even more mind blowing was how different they all are on political, religious, lifestyle, and economic aspects, and yet….nothing but love all over. I mean I’m sure that they were on their best behavior considering but, you could feel how much everyone loved each other and missed those they hadn’t seen in awhile. It was like looking at a little tiny part of the world ( at least my world) and being like……this is the answer people! This is what we need. This is how we need to great our neighbors even when we don’t agree. It was amazing and I am grateful I was there to see it all. Next, Grandpa had been suffering with some things for years. It was hard to watch. Seeing all the love and the joy that came to everyone knowing that he is now at peace and his caregiver can now have some rest was beautiful. It wasn’t a sad funeral although there were tears shed but a joyful celebration of his life. Which leads me the that last lesson. We only have so much time here and it is meant to be used all up! Every minute of it is ours to do with it what we will. Someone mentioned Grandpa bringing home a homeless person just because they needed a hand up, I want to be more like that. I want to see the needs of others and use my time to make their world better, make the world around me better. It was inspiring.
So here is the nasty truth about me, I feel guilt. Like all the time. Saturday after the church service, we headed up to the grave site to lay him to rest. My youngest had her last basketball game of the season. I had been stressing about the timing of it all and hoping that the grave site part would be done by the time I had to leave for the game and we wouldn’t miss any of it. I was wrong and the service took longer than expected and the grave site portion also took longer than expected. We ended up only being able to attend a few moments of it and having to hurry off to her game. At one point someone had made a comment hinting that we should miss the game for this. I can see why the would want us to choose that option. However, to me, I made a commitment to coach and my daughter to her team. I also didn’t want her to miss out on any of the life she is living. I felt good about that choice for about 5 minutes. Then that comment just kept ( and is still ) playing in my mind. The perceived judgement sucked but what was worse was the guilt that I was self imposing. It is a constant daily battle to fight the guilt demon for me and to be honest, there are days that I don’t have the energy to fight him and he wins. However, with those battles I have received a strength that until recently I didn’t know I had, or that it was even a strength. I have learned that those condescending, even when well intended, comments aren’t helpful and I believe I am a lot better at avoiding them now than I was 10 years ago before I was thrown into this war. I have become a much softer and understanding and accepting person thanks to that ugly little guilt. If you suffer like I do….take time to look at what you have learned from the time in the trenches and accept yourself and the good qualities that you are gaining because of the tough times.
Ok, I’m jumping off of my soap box for a minute to tell you, after her game, we headed out of town to visit Death Valley National Park. I wasn’t expecting much but I did want to visit it and man was I glad we did. We car camped, which I mostly love. However, the air mattress we pumped up only held air for a few minutes before we were on the floor of the car and after a couple of attempt to blow it back up, we decided it must have had a hole somewhere and we were out of luck. I wont lie, I’m no spring chicken and my hips and back don’t much love the hard ground. I was awake around 4 am checking emails when I got a message saying that I went shopping at Sears ( I didn’t even know they were still in business) and spent over $1000.00 there. Of course this wasn’t actually my transaction but now there was no way I was going to be able to fall back asleep. I got up, and headed down the road to the spot I wanted to be for sunrise. Just to be clear, I can do sunset every day but sunrise is rough for me. Unless it’s Christmas morning or a Disneyland day, I don’t do mornings.
We made it to a place called Zabriske Point. There were probably about 6 other people there when I arrived and more just kept coming as it got closer to the sun coming up. It wasn’t overly crowded but any means but enough people to know that this must have been the right spot to pick. Before the sun even started to make its debut i could see shadows and shapes of the mountains around us. It was almost like a different planet. It was very cool. As that sun started to light up the back mountain though…….breathtaking was the only word I could come up with.
From here we traveled on to the visitor center where we stopped and called to cancel my card and decline that wonderful Sears purchase I never made. A little fact about me, I collect hoodies from each national park ( well kinda anywhere ) I go. So we stopped in to the book store to get one….sadly they only had one and it was not cute or soft so I passed on it but we grabbed a sticker for the car ( yep we are those people) and headed off to a few other fairly cool hikes. Much later that evening as we were heading home ( actually as we were stopped looking at some wild burrows) my husband notices his money clip with all his cash and cards was missing.
We retraced all our steps and by that I mean all of them. We were out hiking with flashlights in the dark hoping to find it. We didn’t. However, those stars were beautiful. The conversation with my husband and little were a blessing and I felt richer than I had earlier And then it happened, we were out of gas or very close to it. We got to a gas station with about 2 miles left in our gas tank. Here is the thing though. His cards gone. My card cancelled. I had some cash but the gas station was pump only and pay with a card. I don’t think it was by chance that as soon as we pulled into the gas station a man on a motorcycle also pulled in. My husband got out to plead our case and offer him cash to let us charge gas to his card. He didn’t hesitate and we were saved! I’m not sure he will ever know what an answer to our prayers he was but he absolutely saved our butts. He also helped me to be on the look out for opportunities to help others. I believe angels are everywhere they just don’t always look like what we think they will
We of course made it home safely and the first thing out of my little ones mouth to her older sister was “ we don’t have any more money”. We have had to chat about how that isn’t exactly true but it was a good chance for us to be grateful for all that we do have and recognize how quickly it can all be taken.
I’m sure anyone who follows along with me this year will get so tired of me using the word adventure but I just really love that word. By definition it means: an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity. That’s life right? I mean all of it with its ups and downs and flat tires, lost clips and fraud alerts lead us to beautiful sunrises, star lit hikes and memories Things I wouldn’t give back just to get some money back or some a few hours where I would probably scroll facebook anyway. It’s messy. It’s guilty. It’s strong. I can be frustrating and it can be breathtaking but we only get it for a limited amount of time and I don’t want to waste too much of it. I’m going to live as much as I can in this life I’ve been gifted.
